Letter Never Sent

I watched Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf? for the first time with Jody last night. She said it was in her ‘top 3’ so we went out and got it while the brownies were baking. For those who’ve seen it, the fucked-up-ness of George and Martha’s relationship reminded me a lot of experiences I’ve had myself in relationships and from memories of my parents relationship, and how they would attack and try to hurt each other yet you could always sense their emotional connection which was always puzzling. It’s funny how hurting someone else or being hurt by them can make you feel closer, two people gripped in mortal combat who grow accustomed to the feeling and intensity especially if it’s otherwise difficult to express the feelings because of an ironic fear of vulnerability or some other insecurity. There are few things more perplexing than male/female relations.

Oh, I finally got the photos they took at my Christmas Party. Here we are looking all dressed up. I’ve noticed that I’m starting to show my age, especially around the eyes.

I saw an owl in a tree last night as we arrived home. I got out and walked up to it to get a better look, but I couldn’t tell what kind it was. It was about six inches tall and when I got about ten feet away it turned to look at me with its wide, round, open eyes and then jumped off the tree limb and flew away. It looked a little like this. Traditionally, owls can be either good omens or bad. Usually, if you see one in your house or in against your window it traditionally portends the death of someone you know. Otherwise, it is a general messenger omen since an owl’s wisdom is that it can see what others cannot.

I’ve been spending the past few days ripping Jody’s CD collection into mp3 so she’ll have them on her computer instead of in stacks of CD’s. This also means I can borrow her mp3’s and maybe later we can even sell the CD’s or give them away. I’m actually wondering how much money she can get for her collection. I have this theory that when you sell things like books or CD’s you shouldn’t take more than twenty or so at a time otherwise they’re just inclined to make you an offer that doesn’t really take into account the value of each item. Has anyone actually worked at a place where they do buybacks like that? Does it make any difference?

Gabe is a good friend and one of the nicest, most genuine guys I know. He met at my house while I was playing Desert Combat and we went over to Freebird’s (which we usually do when he comes into town) for our bi-annual ritual which consists of eating a giant burrito and shooting the breeze. We talked about a lot of things, teaching especially, since he is a bilingual teacher out in Galveston and since I have been thinking about what to do with my life. He made it sound pretty appealing, and it sounded like he had really found his niche. I’ve been drawn to teaching for a long time and was even an elementary ed. major back in college but I guess I just put it to the side. I need to look into the alternative certification program.

My friend from Fedex sent me a photo of his third grade class in Galveston. Check it out. It’s cute.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas and gave and received lots of loot. After working Christmas Eve I ran home, got ready, drove over to Michael’s to feed his lungfish, and left for Fort Worth at 4:30am to surprise my dad and his family (who didn’t think I was coming) for Christmas. Then after spending the day there I left for Oklahoma to visit Jody and her family. It was a lot of driving by myself, but luckily I brought along a CD with 4-5 Depeche Mode albums on it and there were enough public radio stations to listen to if I got tired of music.

Considering my life I’ve concluded that I am at my worst when thinking and worrying about myself (also my self). Too much fear and self-consciousness (in the sense of being conscious of yourself in the world) result in efforts to control the world around you. Whether this be what you involve yourself in or the people you get involved with. The greater the fear of vulnerability, the greater the effort to stay aloof, numb, untouchable, and above all, in control. In control of emotions, commitments, and circumstances. The result is a life half-lived, half-experienced, and half-felt. I feel like I know all of this and have for some time, but haven’t known it or felt it really enough to begin to change anything.

Luckily, I am nothing if not full of wasted potential. Does anyone have experience actually overcoming their personal issues and becoming a fuller, more aware person?