Considering my life I’ve concluded that I am at my worst when thinking and worrying about myself (also my self). Too much fear and self-consciousness (in the sense of being conscious of yourself in the world) result in efforts to control the world around you. Whether this be what you involve yourself in or the people you get involved with. The greater the fear of vulnerability, the greater the effort to stay aloof, numb, untouchable, and above all, in control. In control of emotions, commitments, and circumstances. The result is a life half-lived, half-experienced, and half-felt. I feel like I know all of this and have for some time, but haven’t known it or felt it really enough to begin to change anything.
Luckily, I am nothing if not full of wasted potential. Does anyone have experience actually overcoming their personal issues and becoming a fuller, more aware person?
i hate to use cliches on you, but the only way i’ve ever been able to make that work is “one day at a time”, or as the zen buddhists like to say, “chop wood, carry water”. ego tells you that ordinary is bad, but ordinary in the end is what saves you. we can all have big dreams and big creativity when these things serve us in some way, but sometimes they can lead to grandiosity.
one time when i was as close as i’ve ever been to a nervous breakdown — seriously scared i was going to lose my sanity — my shrink told me on the phone to do “ordinary things” like washing dishes, folding laundry, etc. — anything that increased the feeling of “normalness”. this is actually great advice even when you are doing well. anything that you have been avoiding or procrastinating that weighs on your mind — gently sit yourself down in front of it, breathe deeply, and take time to finish it. if you succeed at that, see if it leads you to another thing on that list.
life is complicated and there’s never any easy or sure answers, but simplicity is sometimes a good direction to move in.
That’s a good point and often when I start getting neurotic I’ll try to start cleaning and doing things to take my mind off.
Well, I think having a baby made me less self-absorbed, if that’s what you mean.
And remember, there is no love without the eventuality of loss. You just have to let yourself go and feel. It’s not like you get do-overs or anything. I regret very much the times I could have done or even felt more and held myself back.