Today I went and had lunch with Susan and Michael and then with Jody. It was nice, but I’m always feeling rushed even if other people aren’t feeling rushed. I live at the mercy of the tyranny of the one hour lunch. I find it almost impossible to enjoy myself fully if I know there’s a time limit. Well, I pretty much have trouble enjoying myself but the added dimension of time really weighs heavily on me. The things I enjoy the most are those things which liberate me from the feeling of time: reading, sleeping, fishing, sex, video games, drawing, etc. This is an aside…I meant to talk about something else.
I meant to talk about my conversation with my lovely neighbor and landlord, Joyce, a retired nurse. When I got back from my lunch outing we talked for an hour or so about ourselves. She told me a lot about her childhood and early adulthood as well as her experiences as a nurse and how she has been with many people as they died. I think we got onto this subject by talking about our experiences with loved ones dying. She said that having experienced death so closely and with so many people really confirms her own faith and religious belief. Joyce related stories about people who said they saw Jesus, white light, chariots, and one woman who called out her own grandmother’s name and claimed to see her as she lay dying.
She gave me a Frappuccino and asked me about myself and my history, and I told her my stories about growing up, and about my family. Things I don’t mind telling inquiring souls, but usually don’t get around to. It was nice to share them with an older person who you can talk to on that level as near equals. In the end, I felt good having learned so much about her and hearing so many tales of different people and different lives lived and experiences had across a wide field of time. I could almost see it unwinding in my mind as a colorful psychic tapestry. Visions of people I could never have known enacting scenes from their alien yet familiar lives within my imagination. Something about it made me feel sad, maybe for all the love and loved ones lost to time. It arouses a feeling of weary bitterness in me. I just want to hang onto everyone I know and love and keep them close, protecting them from the millstone of eternity.