Letter Never Sent

Lately, I’ve been seeing some good films which have made me feel more excited about going to the movies. I feel like I’ve lost touch with the feelings and ideas that film can evoke. Last night I saw ‘Raising Victor Vargas‘ at the Dobie. I really liked how real the movie felt. It reminded me of a lot of things from my own childhood and adolescence. Especially how my little brother and I would spend the summers, completely bored and aimless yet thick as thieves, spending almost every waking moment together looking for something to do and talking to each other as we roamed the neighborhood. There is something about being bored which makes it where you have to make your own fun from the raw material of life. In my early teenage years I did the most drawing, reading, letter-writing and daydreaming I’ve ever done. In later life, time is so scarce and I barely remember what I do from one day to the next anyway. I think the main difference between being a kid and an adult is that when you’re a kid you always have something to look forward to. You’re always in anticipation of something else, summer vacation or going back to school or leaving home. I think when you are in control (more or less) of your own existence you lose this intense feeling of anticipation. Sometimes I can only see as far ahead as the end of the work day.

After work I stopped by to see G. at her new job running a Smoothie place at the gym. She hooked me up with a mango smoothie and we chatted for a bit in the afternoon sun. I stopped by the day before and saw her and Phil and they looked so cute and happy I had to come back. I actually used to have quite the boyish crush on G. in high school.

Then I walked down to Texpresso with my laptop to chat on aim for a little while I waited for Phillip to show up. He brought his laptop and we stopped at Popeye’s and then went to pick up L. at work before we went to the Howard Dean rally where we ran into Erik, Mark, and David (the future film star).

The Howard Dean rally was pretty cool although I wasn’t totally into it because I was so hot and sweaty. After the rally we went to Cafe Mundi where they were playing Ghost World and shared some beers. Mark told some really neat stories about flying an F-16 (he’s in the air force). It actually sounded pretty scary to me. It was a good day. I even saw my friend, Lin, from high school. Here’s Howard Dean below:

I met some old friends, Karen and Favio, for shave ice and they brought me a photo of myself from when I was in fourth grade. I have a tight grip on Ginger (the dachshund) because she had this habit of running off if she got the chance.

Here’s what I did. What little I did do gave me a feeling of carpal tunnel syndrome in my right hand and wrist.

I’m at Mozart’s trying to figure out how long my laptop’s battery is going to last since I forgot my power cord. I think it will last long enough, but the power meter is so unreliable.

Today, I picked up Susan for a nice lunch together. I had fun talking to her about things. She’s a smart cookie. We went and got some mexican food from Mi Madre’s and then went for some good frozen yogurt. There’s something fun about driving with an ice cream cone in your hand. It’s like the two things are made for each other.

I’ve been spending my weekend trying to get organized. It makes me feel good to take care of shit because usuallyI’m drowning in bills, things, and committments to friends and family. It’s nice to streamline. In a little while I plan on trying to draw something. If I come up with anything nice I’ll scan and post. Deal?

I saw Finding Nemo tonight with my friend, Phillip. It was really great. I laughed out loud several times and misted up a time or two. It might be my current favorite Pixar movie. That, or A Bug’s Life.

Last night I had a dream that my grandfather, Stanley, (we called him Pop-Pop) had somehow come back after being dead for almost twenty years. As he died when I was eleven this would be a very interesting happening. In my mind during the dream I guessed that maybe he hadn’t really died and had only been in a coma, but I also knew this wasn’t possible. I sat next to him on the couch and tried to soak it all in for as long as I could. He looked smaller than I remember, but at eleven I would’ve been a foot shorter at least.

It was nice to see him although I’m sure how I ‘saw’ him was very different even from how he used to look because my memories are very vague. I just knew it was him and it seemed like him. It felt almost like a visitation since he didn’t say much and I think we both knew he was really dead. I don’t remember what we talked about.

Shortly after my grandmother, Elizabeth, his wife, died a little more than a year ago, I had a dream that she was lying in a bed with the covers pulled up and we were talking. I was kneeling on the floor beside the bed. It seemed to me that we both knew she was visiting me after her death and that she was telling me something important. I think it was something about my brother.

Shortly after the funeral at her home, I remember my aunt describing a dream my grandmother had had shortly before her death. It was of an old woman placing a white dove in her hands. To me a dove could symbolize death or the soul. Maybe on some level she knew she was dying even though no one else had any inkling.

I’ve been thinking more about my grandfather lately. He seems to have come up in conversation more than normal regarding things I had not heard before. For instance, my mother told me recently that she was sure about marrying my father when she met my grandfather. She was impressed by the way he was so kind and the way he treated my grandmother. She assumed my father would be the same way.

In my dreams I feel like it is some glimpse of an afterlife, or at least, what it would be like. Everything in dreams is so indeterminate and I always feel so impassive and accepting of whatever happens. This is how I would imagine being a ghost or spirit: remote, impassive.

Ay, but to die, and go we know not where;
To lie in cold obstruction and to rot;
This sensible warm motion to become
A kneaded clod; and the delighted spirit
To bathe in fiery floods, or to reside
In thrilling region of thick-ribbed ice;
To be imprison’d in the viewless winds,
And blown with restless violence round about

The pendent world; or to be worse than worst
Of those that lawless and incertain thought
Imagine howling: ’tis too horrible!
The weariest and most loathed worldly life

That age, ache, penury and imprisonment
Can lay on nature is a paradise
To what we fear of death.
–Shakespeare

Today, when I logged in to update my website I discovered everything was hopelessly screwed up. Namely my webhost did a little upgrading but was a little sloppy. The Perl modules weren’t upgraded and when they upgraded Berkeley DB it wouldn’t read my old database files. Argh. Consequently, no comments or anything which accessed or used the database would work. Luckily, I am not too bad at fixing things, and it was a real learning experience.

Note: Thanks, Phillip, for the help.

Today is my friend Breen’s bday. I made this picture for him.