I’ve been thinking a lot about my patterns of sadness lately. Since my break up a year ago things have been more up and down than any other time since I was in high school. It has been a prolonged roller coaster ride. I’ve had to admit to myself that I get something out of feeling bad, maybe the intense emotion it brings like a punch in the chest or the familiar feeling of powerlessness I take on because I’m afraid to take the reigns of my own life, afraid to be responsible for something, or maybe I just like the attention and concern from people who care about me or the feeling of renewal when coming out of it like a butterfly emerging from a coccoon.
Feeling depressed allows me to let myself off the hook. To focus on feeling bad instead of looking around for ways to improve things. It’s not that I didn’t feel bad while I was in a committed relationship. Having someone around to care for and about me and to be close to kept sadness at a lower level…for a time. But even then, when I really think about it, wasn’t happy for too long at any time and toward the end of our relationship I really stopped working and dropped out of my own life as much as you can really do that. I pretty much lived on the computer and let things around me crumble. I now think the internet and computers might be just as deadening to the senses and emotions as alcohol. I neglected my relationships and my life because my emotional turmoil was so confusing and so seemingly tangled up that I gave up instead of trying to undo the knots. One thing I’ve never thought before but feel now is that I have a tendency to bottle things up inside me. This might come as some suprise to people who know me since I think others can always really tell what’s going on with me since it’s so obvious, but I feel like a lot of the times I’m really out of touch with my own feelings and have trouble acknowledging them to myself. When I feel a certain way or experience a certain fear I almost can’t really look at it.
So, I’m starting with the idea that I don’t like feeling sad, or at least it’s few benefits are not helping me have the kind of life I ideally would like. With this idea in mind I have been consciously considering the whos, whats, wheres, whys and hows of feeling depressed or sad. Why do I feel sad? What do I feel sad about? When does it happen? What do I have to do with it? Do I want to feel sad? Why would I want to? If I don’t like my life, how can I change it?
When I started asking myself these questions I started to see my own agency in how I felt. Perceptions followed by attitudes, followed by decisions, followed by actions, followed by the inevitable resulting situation. For the most part, I am completely responsible for feeling sad. Even if I’m not consciously deciding to feel down I can’t really say that events around me are causing me to feel a certain way. I can’t pass the blame that way especially when I hear about people in prison or close to death who understand the value of this life and who decide to make it mean something by being appreciative.
The point is, I have learned a lot about what makes me depressed and how to make myself feel better. I think wanting to change things has been an important step for me. Now it’s time for the harder part, actually changing the ways I see things and the hurt I cause so I feel something. Here are a list of things or activities you can do that have helped me feel less depressed:
- Avoid most anything dealing with the past. Do not read old love letters, or look at photographs. Do not even think twice about calling or emailing ex-boyfriends or girlfriends. If you do write any emails leave them in the outbox unsent. Put all old photos and letters in the back of the closet where you can’t get to them easily. You have no control over the past and cannot change it, why scourge yourself with tokens of it?
- Instead of reading old emails and letters, write new emails and letters. In other words, instead of wallowing in yourself cast your mind and emotions outward onto those OTHER people you care about, your friends and family. It’s been a long time since you called Mom and Dad hasn’t it?
- Stay busy. Clean your bathroom. Do some laundry. Go to the bookstore. Go out for coffee. Make lots of lists about things you’ve been neglecting and DO them. It’s actually fun.
- Get lots of sleep. Go to bed at a reasonable hour and get up at a reasonable hour. (I have trouble with this one more than any other) Few things will make you feel worse than feeling really bone tired and few things will feel better than jumping out of bed at dawn, fully rested, ready to kick ass.
- Spend time outside in the Sun. Go swimming or running. Offer to walk someone’s dog. Sunlight makes it almost impossible to feel really bad. Why is that?
- Spend time with friends. They will appreciate you thinking of them and you will feel better too. I usually go on jags where I’ll call everyone I haven’t seen in a while all at once and make plans to do something. Think of it this way, maybe they’re feeling down too and what feels better than a good friend calling to tell you they were just thinking about you?
- Focus on starting with yourself. Don’t expect the world to change to suit you. Focus on what you can control and change. For instance, if you want to be loved be lovable and love others.
- Enjoy a little music, a little art, a little poetry. Maybe do a little yourself. You don’t have to show anyone else. It’s purely for your own benefit.
- Don’t think about things that scare you, especially death and especially at night. In fact, if you find yourself getting sad at night get a cute nightlight or leave the lights on like I often do. You have no control over death or age, but you can control your fears. You will meet the future with the same weapons with which you meet the present. Isn’t it funny how something can seem scary from far away but when you finally get there it’s not so bad as the reality? Almost anything can be dealt with. Just don’t dwell on it too much. You’ll psyche yourself out. Coincidently, this is also the secret to getting into very cold swimming pools. Don’t think about how cold it’s gonna be. The reality is infinitely more manageable.
- Spend time around old people and children. You’ll be amazed how much you can learn about life from people who have just started it or are near the end of it. As the saying goes, old age finds us true children.
- And remember, always, always stay positive. It’s cliche but true.
